tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26587009003745297962024-02-19T04:06:29.899-08:00DeSoto DaysA day in the life of a roller derby girl....from cooking to photography to infertility and more...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-32119288750755750142014-07-30T09:43:00.001-07:002014-07-31T10:32:27.147-07:00Has it really been 7 months since my last post?? wow. <div style="text-align: center;">
So apparently I don't have a blog.</div>
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I have an online partial ledger of some pretty deep feelings that I occasionally share with the world. </div>
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Perhaps that's too generous. Seldom is more like it...ohh and at this rate, if I post today, all I have to do is post one more time this year and I am now downgraded to a bi-annual sharing of thoughts and feelings.</div>
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But that's not why I started this. So, I begin again today.</div>
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New blog, new background...both to fit in with the new life we are about to embark upon.</div>
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I will start off by describing life over the last 7 months, over a few separate posts and then lets see where we can go from there! After all, I do have three weeks or less before my entire life changes.</div>
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Lets start from my last post. <a href="http://desotodays.blogspot.com/2013/12/silent-parenting.html" target="_blank">Silent Parenting</a>. (Go ahead, take a break and read that now). Soon after that was written, my husband and I sat down and had a big talk. My hubby is always honest with me, he doesn't want to be the kind of husband that tells me what I want to hear and I REALLY appreciate this, even though sometimes the truth stings a lil. <br>
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If you're reading this and have struggled with the ugly, dark and scary world of infertility like we have, then you'll probably understand where I'm coming from. However, even if you haven't had our struggles, I'm sure you can understand what I'm about to explain. <br>
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I had trained myself into a vicious cycle, one that creeps up once a month, just before my period starts. No matter what I do, prayer, self talk, support from family and friends, anything- no matter what I tried, I would always get myself thinking "what if I'm pregnant." Mostly every month for over 5 years, prior to mother nature taking her course, my brain would shift into that no good, emotional roller-coaster of 'what-if.' There were some months were I was able to not think of it.... but those were seldom. The worst part about having a period and endometriosis are that the symptoms of PMS and what not mimic pregnancy! What an evil game! <br>
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Enough was enough, Steve and I talked, cried and just comforted each other. I finally heard how HE was feeling. How selfish of me, not to even consider how he felt every month... He was suffering too, but in silence.<br>
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We prayed together and decided it was time to stop. Stop the cycle, heal for our future. He told me what I needed to hear, which was the truth. The truth, every stinging yet healing word. We need to live the life God has for us- kids are not part of our story right now! LIVE THE LIFE GOD HAS GIVEN YOU! (this not word for word, but you get the gist).<br>
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I felt like my eyes, ears and heart were finally open to receive these words. I prayed more, but my prayers changed. <i>I prayed that I would joyfully live the life God has given me and stop yearning for the 'what-ifs.</i>' <i>Joy...something I hadn't prayed for in awhile. Joy. Three letters that have formed a powerful word that has shaped our world this year. </i>God really has a lot up his sleeves.<br>
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Two weeks after this talk, around January 7th, I got a message from my friend Jennifer Dean. She is an amazing woman, servant, mother, wife and she has also dealt with the muddy waters of infertility. We didn't talk much, but kept tabs on each others journey via facebook and her blog. She is wise in so many ways.<br>
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So, when I got a message from her telling me to enter into a contest on instagram, I was curious. I used instagram for photos and whatnot, but had no clue about the amazing support group I would find there. Jennifer told me about a conference she was participating in and that I basically needed to be there. Like she's been praying for me and there is no way around it, I needed to be there. I looked into it and knew there was no way I could afford airfare, hotel, food..etc but was definitely interested in attending.<br>
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It just so happened that they were holding a contest to send one person to the conference in southern California- all expenses paid. I never win anything, I thought.... my stepsister and stepmom win every contest they enter, but not me. So, I prayed and asked God to bless this entry and that if it was His will for me to be there for him to show me how to make it happen. We were barely making ends meet and we had no clue we were about to be hit with huge medical bills.<br>
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The conference was called the <a href="http://choosejoyevent.com/" target="_blank">Choose Joy</a> event and was to be held in southern California the first weekend in May. There's that word again- JOY! I told Steve about it and that I was going to enter the contest to win a trip, all I had to do was re-post a pic on IG and enter my name on their website. What a perfect opportunity for me to be surrounded by other women and men who would truly understand what we've been going through.<br>
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The contest started January 8 and went through January 17th. You could enter everyday on their website and got an extra entry to repost this super cute pic on IG: (IMAGE NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW) (you can find it on my ig <complete id="goog_1077276388">@redponykells)</complete><br>
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I missed the first day to enter, but was able to remember the following day and so I entered a total of 5 times. I was quick to do the first 4, then kinda gave up and then tried once more on the last day. Gave up because I let self doubt and a sense of unworthiness creep up in my brain- which I now attribute to a series of huge spiritual attacks. I prayed for this trip and was super excited to watch the video that Emmy posted on IG... who's Emmy? yeah, she's the brainpower behind the Choose Joy Event and oh so much more. She is an amazing woman, friend, wife, mother and just all around awesome person. I'm still getting to know her, but wow is all I can say. wow.<br>
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Needless, to say I was a bit disappointed when my name wasn't the one picked, yet I was overjoyed for the woman who was chosen. I knew God had big plans in store for her- so many of us were praying for the winner of the contest, that God would work miracles in her life so she could attend. But wait- there was more good work being done! There was enough money generated by donors and sponsors that Emmy was able to draw another name. How awesome! Again, not my name, but it was that of Amber, another amazing woman of God, mother, friend and now roommate. You see, God had big plans for Amber and so many women and when a third announcement was made that they had yet even more tickets to give away, my name was announced next! I had been <i>chosen </i> to attend! What?!?! this is the girl who never wins anything...but I suppose it had less to do with winning at this point and more to do with God's plan.<br>
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Amber was willing to share her room with myself and then yet another amazing woman of God, Nikki! Nikki's journey is one to gasp at- the amazing things God is doing in her right now, leading up to and immediately following the conference are just incredible. So, needless to say I was overwhelmed, nervous and excited for the anticipation of the trip to come.<br>
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I was still new to the IG community, but from what I can remember, Emmy was able to send the four of us all expenses paid (airfare, hotel, rental car, tickets to the event) and then was also able to bless many more with tickets to the event. I am sure I missed out on the vast array of other amazing things that were going on from mid Jan-May, so please forgive me if I have some facts wrong.<br>
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I told Steve I won and he was happy, yet was quick to keep me grounded in all that we had discussed just two short weeks prior. The conference was to focus on treading through infertility and adoption. We are by no means ready to adopt and we are just barely choosing to embrace the life we currently have...so I had to remember not to get my hopes up and to just pray. I prayed for focus and guideance. I didn't want my wishful thinking tendencies win over me...the what-if's that I had so recently done away with, or so I thought.<br>
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About two weeks after being chosen to attend, I was sitting at home after work (it was also my mommas birthday) and I started to stretch. This was a typical ritual for me, as lifting grown men and doing the various things we caregivers do can make for achy muscles at the end of a 13 hour day! <br>
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As soon as I started to rotate my right ankle, I got a full body shock response. I'm talking pain shot up my leg, followed by an immidate warm and tingly sensation all the way up to my head- a surge of sorts. I knew something was wrong when I tried to walk and nearly toppled over.... this is the beginning of the last six months and is where I will leave you for now. See you in the next post. I promise it'll be real soon.<br>
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Hopeful hearts</div>
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broken hearts</div>
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aching hearts</div>
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eyes opened</div>
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renewed vision</div>
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tears drying up</div>
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pain is so strange</div>
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it comes in many forms</div>
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blessed to be able to feel</div>
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love carries us on</div>
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bonds strengthen</div>
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life moves on</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-9735054737663730692013-12-23T04:11:00.002-08:002013-12-23T04:11:44.989-08:00silent parenting<div style="text-align: center;">
I have never been pregnant, but I am a mother.</div>
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I have not adopted a child, but I am a mother.</div>
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I do not have a surrogate, but I am a mother.</div>
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I have not attempted IVF, but I am a mother.</div>
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I am a silent parent.</div>
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I love unconditionally, </div>
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I nurture, </div>
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I discipline,</div>
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I care.</div>
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I am surrounded by men and women who have been blessed with the joys of pregnancy and parenting, </div>
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I am surrounded by many men and women who have brought me into their lives as friends, but have given me more than they will ever know.</div>
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I am surrounded by friends that I now call family and their children who lovingly call me Auntie Kelly and I love it!</div>
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I may not ever have children of my own, but I am a mother to many, I have been a mother to some and will definitely be a mother to others in the future.</div>
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I am coming to terms with my infertility and will no longer live in the wishful world of "if, when and/or how" will it happen. I will live in the present day and realize that it already has. </div>
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For now, I will love and nurture those put in my path.</div>
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I will quietly and joyfully celebrate the moments I share with my families and their children. </div>
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So don't be afraid to ask me where my children are or when we plan to have kids, we already have them. </div>
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They're just spending time with their God-given parents right now.</div>
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Auntie Kelly gets to rest at night , play all day and then give them back at the end of the day :)</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-62381640601978084362013-10-19T23:51:00.004-07:002013-10-19T23:54:14.160-07:00Itsuko 'Itsie' Kobayashi: a story of beauty, love and grace<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.nailscars.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/paper-chain-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://www.nailscars.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/paper-chain-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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It's funny the things you remember about a person. We all hope to make an impact on the world around us, especially those we hold dear to our hearts. So in the time I've had to reflect on my grandmother's recent passing, I find myself reflecting on a woman who had a beautiful soul, heart and mind. Creative, intelligent, happy and full of life are a few of her characteristics.</div>
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Some of my earliest memories of my grandma, Itsuko 'Itsie' Kobayashi, are of her in the kitchen. She was always creating new, tasty and healthy meals. We would eat at her house nearly every weekend, and she was always willing to teach me a few things, as well as share her yummy recipes. This Thanksgiving, I plan to make one of her favorite appetizers, Tzimmes; a Jewish sweet stew of carrots, yams, prunes, apples and spices. I always loved that my little Japanese grandmother loved to cook cuisine from around the world. We even had themed dinner plans that would change each year to reflect a different country's cuisine. </div>
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Every year Grandma would have us all write down what we were thankful for on a strip of construction paper, which would be read out loud and then attached to the ever growing garland from years' past. This year, I will start this tradition in my house. Every friend that visits will have the opportunity to write what they are thankful for, which will be then hung in my home. I am so thankful for the impact my grandmother has had on my life. </div>
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Christmas was no exception to the traditions and festivities bestowed upon us by Grandma and Grandpa Kobayashi. Together, through song, story, dance and lots of fun, our grandparents taught us beyond the ideas of Santa, but the true depth of the meaning of Christmas. Love, compassion, sharing, giving, and caring through our Lord Jesus Christ were taught. The message, although subtle at times, is easy to see as I reflect upon these memories as an adult. </div>
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However important these memories are, they are not the first things that come to mind when I think of my grandmother. Beyond all other memories, I often find myself reflecting on her days as a ballroom dancer and seamstress. Grandma was an extremely meticulous and talented seamstress, her grandchildren greatly benefitted from her ever-growing red bag of dress up clothes! I think of my grandparents moving swiftly across the dance floor, seemingly effortless. The flow of her gown breathtakingly beautiful as they danced for the crowd. </div>
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I will forever think of you as a graceful, joyful, loving and caring woman. I pray that while you wait for us in heaven, that you have rediscovered your love of dancing, cooking and teaching. Your life lives on through the memories, actions and hearts of your grandchildren, nieces, nephews, children and many more.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-71500398920207051812013-06-24T03:12:00.002-07:002013-06-24T03:12:46.493-07:00Happiness found.<div style="text-align: center;">
Seven weeks ago a embarked on an adventure that will forever change my life. I finally found a job that initially I was afraid to take.</div>
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I spent the last two years soul searching, trying to figure out where I am supposed to be in all aspects of my life. I am by far no where near close to finding all the answers that I seek...but the one that I spent the most time and effort on (finding a new career path) has really paid off.</div>
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As I've said before, for me, the retail world is an awful place to work. It sucked me in, chewed me up, and spit me out a convoluted, warped, bruised and damaged version of the woman I once was. I was angry, bitter, unhappy, stressed out beyond measure, overweight and bored. </div>
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The spirit of happiness that I used to portray was gone.</div>
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No one should cry themselves to sleep because they hate their job. </div>
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Worse yet, cry before work because you don't want to go in that much.</div>
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My husband, my best friend, really helped me cope.</div>
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Finally, through a lengthy series of events immediately following our first year of marriage, we decided it was time to quit my job. In fact, the company's inflexibility to help me relocate my position made it that much easier to quit. </div>
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Within a week of my last day, we had our bags packed and I was moving to Oregon. I had just reconnected with my Dad after 20-something years of no contact. His health is questionable at times and I didn't want to miss out on anything anymore.</div>
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The last two years I have had a lot of time to relax, get back to who I really and truly want to be.</div>
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I'm still somewhat overweight, but that's slowly working it's way off...</div>
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I'm happy! I smile and laugh a lot again.</div>
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I am surrounded by nature.</div>
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I am surrounded by people I love.</div>
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I am confident in the woman I have become and know my past only shapes me.</div>
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My passion is back!</div>
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Plus, I love my new job.</div>
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Seven weeks ago, I took a position as a caregiver for five developmentally disabled adults. I have always had a special place in my heart for those with disabilities, now I get to make a difference in their lives.</div>
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I was scared at first. I didn't want to let the residents down, they've been through so much.</div>
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Adjusting to a nocturnal shift (645pm-7am) three to four days a week didn't sound appealing, either.</div>
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I have found it more enjoyable than I could ever imagine!</div>
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The nocturnal hours aren't that bad, actually. I get to enjoy dawn, my favorite part of the day, everyday!</div>
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The only hard part is figuring out how and when to spend time with the hubby, but our time is more quality now than ever.</div>
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The best part are the people I support.</div>
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Seeing them smile over the littlest things makes me so happy.</div>
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Playing music and dancing with the dudes is one of my favorite things to do.</div>
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Teaching sign language, giving them choices, taking them out on adventures...just a sampling of things my co-workers and I do for the dudes.</div>
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Mostly, we spend time with them. We give them quality of life back, that was once taken away.</div>
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We don't know all of what they've been through, but what we do know is not pleasant.</div>
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I'm not at liberty to say anything, but you should research the history of abuse and neglect for the DD (developmentally disabled ) population. What you'll find is that they are perhaps the largest group of people who have suffered from all forms of abuse. It's sickening.</div>
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I am so thankful for the job I have and that we support the life and well-being of these individuals in Central Oregon. </div>
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What would you do if you needed assistance in every aspect of your life? Would you still be able to find joy in your day? Our residents still find joy. They battle many things in just the simple tasks of life, yet they still find joy.</div>
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The problems we face day to day seem so small to me now. Sure, there are things that are going to get us down....but I ask you to take a step back from one thing today that pisses you off and remember that there are others out there who cannot even fend for themselves, yet they still have joy.</div>
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Their laughter is infectious.</div>
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Their frustration is real.</div>
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Their feelings are genuine.</div>
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They have no bias or judgement.</div>
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Their joy is pure and true.</div>
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Their day is full of structure and schedules.</div>
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Their life depends on the caring support of those around them.</div>
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They're people.</div>
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They have feelings and emotions, just like you and me.</div>
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A single step forward, a new word, getting out of bed, going outdoors, and many other things are daily victories that some aim to achieve.</div>
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They have a special place in my heart and life now.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-7575468351380186712013-04-20T22:33:00.001-07:002013-04-28T23:19:55.264-07:00Thoughts<div style="text-align: left;">
I have had more ultrasounds than most pregnant women will or have ever had.</div>
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yet no baby.</div>
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no miscarriages, that I know of.</div>
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yet I get the symptoms.</div>
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I've been late several weeks before and yet not a positive outcome.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
yet I am still hopeful.</div>
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<br /></div>
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it may not seem as though I am and no one knows what the future will hold, but I am hopeful.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I tell my story because it heals me and by opening up myself to others' I hope to someday help someone.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I love it when people tell me I am good with kids, it makes me smile. A small part of me is still really happy that I haven't had kids yet, maybe the selfish part, I dunno.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I write about my struggles because it heals me...sometimes you'll get raw, gut-wrenching reality from me, don't mistake that for a cry for attention. It's simply the only way to express myself!</div>
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<br /></div>
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I really have no direction for this post, but perhaps as I sit here, working through the cramps of endometriosis, I have a need to vent. To get some stuff off my chest.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I don't judge my friends, my foes or my family for the decisions they have made regarding children, but sometimes in the gut-wrenching pain-filled face of infertility I do get frustrated, down right pissed. However, I eventually become level-headed again and realize that we are all living different realities. What I want isn't necessarily what you want...and HELL, what we all want may not be exactly what we thought we were getting ourselves into in the first place. But whatever your choices are, please don't baby me. Don't mock me. Don't think I'm fragile and can't handle your reality. Don't let your guilt over your decisions make you treat me differently! You will never know the pain of infertility until it is staring you in the face. You, who take things for granted, please remember that your plan may not work out the way you want it to! Please understand that your actions have reactions and that what you are planning for may not happen because of the choices you are making or have made. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I'm not saying you need to run yourself ragged with worry that your plan to conceive may not work out, but please be realistic! Get yourself checked out, make wise decisions for yourself and your future. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Please note, <u>this blog post is not geared at any specific event that happened recently.</u> In fact, it has been festering inside for awhile and I just feel like blabbing about it tonight.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior! I know He has planned my life from birth, but sometimes I wonder have I made a wrong turn somewhere? What lesson can I learn from this struggle? Patience? I thought I got that one down for a bit, lol. Faithfulness, perhaps.</div>
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I believe He will provide me with my little miracle, but I am human and doubt has a tricky way of getting in when you're down.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-42021463114261646172013-04-06T09:34:00.001-07:002013-04-06T09:34:09.640-07:00Plans Change<div style="text-align: center;">
Plans change....which is why this quote is so popular, right?</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7sBRjosh1Vgv08_HxEdcTch0S6V1O9-4gHkthkIVgiyTTai576Eo61nWFWRBV5R32eZQlcjZeDitQ0Cu8Utlae_IP26JxhZFVhTcSGDyFNzJkd5sXjkREshpOoM8sLLn6tIA_y0GrZdxK/s1600/IMG_2230.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7sBRjosh1Vgv08_HxEdcTch0S6V1O9-4gHkthkIVgiyTTai576Eo61nWFWRBV5R32eZQlcjZeDitQ0Cu8Utlae_IP26JxhZFVhTcSGDyFNzJkd5sXjkREshpOoM8sLLn6tIA_y0GrZdxK/s400/IMG_2230.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have no clue where I am supposed to be in life, other than right where I am right now.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I left southern California in October 2011 and never knew my true self until now.</div>
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I am at peace here, aside from the job search and other thorns in my side.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I love living in Bend...away from smog, traffic, tons of people and completely surrounded by nature, beauty and clean air. I have an amazing circle of support that is growing and thriving.</div>
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Don't get me wrong, SoCal is beautiful in it's own right. Beaches, sunshine, lots of things to do and of course all the friends I grew up with and our familes that we love.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A shift of perspective.<br />
<br />
I have never had to work so hard to find a job until now. It's discouraging. I don't want to go back into retail, it sucks your soul away and spits it back at you in a twisted, convoluted form that you don't even recognize anymore.<br />
<br />
I am smart, energetic, fun and dedicated.<br />
<br />
A bachelors degree in marine biology, don't you know it's not a cakewalk? I went through years of schooling and dedication for what?!<br />
<br />
I have successfully managed multi-million dollar businesses, too!<br />
<br />
But I am lost, not sure what door I'm supposed to be looking at. Not sure if that door is here, in Bend, where I feel more like the true me than ever before in my life.<br />
<br />
Passionate about photography, pets, derby, and life.<br />
<br />
Love learning and teaching others.<br />
<br />
Should I go to school for my masters?<br />
<br />
what would it be in?<br />
<br />
Plans change.<br />
<br />
Plans end.<br />
<br />
Plans....?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-45456221045713840582013-03-26T22:48:00.001-07:002013-03-26T22:48:15.917-07:00wham, boom, pop!Some days start off like today, easy, fun and full of entertainment...but end on a note in the complete and utter polar opposite...<br />
<br />
woke up. made coffee. went back to sleep. woke up, had coffee. ate a decent breakfast. meandered around the house and then went to work to nanny for two of the most unique, intelligent and fun kids I know.<br />
<br />
filled the day with random surprises such as taking them to bouncing off the walls, mc donalds, seeing mom at work, buying them a baby chicken, affectionately named Chipper, played soccer twice, and managed to squeeze in some reading and problem solving from my favorite childhood book, The Eleventh Hour.<br />
<br />
Seven hours of fun and activity.<br />
<br />
Got home, chatted with neighbors and friends...went to a friends house for a delicious dinner and dessert paired with a lovely rose moscato and a NOVA episode about planet earth seen from space.<br />
<br />
Then, wham, boom, pop! my endometriosis pain started up with a vengeance. Started off as the usual subtle dull ache and within 30 minutes I was in full oh-my-gosh-this-fucking-hurts! Today's spell made me almost vomit, but I have managed to keep it all in for now.<br />
<br />
I know we all have our own deep, dark spot...well this is mine. It's times like these that make me question whether I will ever bear children of my own. I am obviously good with them and love them, I've been told all my life that I'll be a great mom one day, but do we really know this? We don't know when that day will come, if ever. And yes, I know there are thousands of children aching for a loving and caring home, but I am not able to give up my dream just yet. The dream of carrying a human being inside myself, nor am I financially ready for this dream or even adoption for that matter. Yes, I know there are fertility treatments but without insurance, and funding, that is out of the question. but hell, will anyone ever be 100% ready for this endeavor, whether it be by choice or not? Are we ever 100% ready for the path that lay before us?<br />
<br />
The pain is so crippling that I get to a point where I say fuck it, enough is enough, just rip it all out, I don't want to deal with the mental, physical and emotional pain anymore. it is draining. it is useless. i had to stop buying pregnancy tests. why bother when it's the same result every month? wishful thinking at it's best over here.<br />
<br />
Pain is tiring, tricky and conniving. Ten years of knowing the source of my body's torment doesn't help find the solution. Yes, I probably over-exerted myself today and sabotaged myself by eating shit for lunch (first time having fast food in over two months) and not enough fluids, but damn....I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Am I being punished for the things I've done? I know I am not, but sometimes I feel I am. Logic and reason go out the window when you are doubled over in pain, tears, frustration and confusion. <br />
<br />
So, I am at a loss. I don't know what to do next. Numb. yeah, Numb. that's the feeling. Approaching my 34th birthday next week and I've never been so low at this time of year before. Usually I have it planned by now or I'm showing signs of utter excitement...so forgive me if I come across as wounded or harsh or selfish...there's a lot going on behind that fun, happy, energetic face you're used to seeing. Believe me, the happiness I typically exude is real, genuine and true. It's just that this deep, dark sad part is also real, genuine and true and once in awhile I have to acknowledge it and express it so as not to go crazy!<br />
<br />
Fun day.<br />
Lauging, playing, jumping.<br />
Surprising the kiddos with fun things to do, it's what I do best.<br />
Going home to a house full of people and puppies, but no kids.<br />
Pain sets in, making me wonder,<br />
will I ever get the chance to be someones mother?<br />
<br />
Writing it out helps,<br />
crying it soothes,<br />
soaking in a tub heals,<br />
while my mind trickles back to whats real.<br />
<br />
I am an auntie to many wonderful children.<br />
Always have been, always will be.<br />
Loving my friends for letting me enjoy their company.<br />
Thankful for the things I do have and trying to stop dwelling on those that I do not.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-88992042524908872022013-03-06T09:09:00.001-08:002013-03-06T09:10:53.019-08:00It's only 5 minutes of your lifeYes. True, it's only 5 minutes.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://derbywannabe.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/faster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://derbywannabe.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/faster.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Only 5 minutes of my life, but it's what you do in those 5 minutes that matter most.<br />
<br />
Self-counted attempt #1- 21 laps<br />
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Actual real-deal coach counting for credit attempt #1- 23.5 laps, a couple months after first self counted attempt.<br />
<br />
This Thursday, 5pm- official attempt #2- time to "Get 'er done!" I'm gonna make this track my bitch!<br />
<br />
For those wondering what I'm talking about, well, yes, you guessed it...roller derby!<br />
<br />
One of our minimum skills is to be able to skate 25 laps in 5 mins, which is soon to be upped to 27 laps in 5 mins. I don't want to wait anymore, the more I try now the quicker I'll beat both goals!<br />
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Self talk in head- only positive.<br />
<br />
Determination- push harder each lap. NO COASTING THE CORNERS!<br />
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Songs of choice- Limp Bizkit, please!<br />
<br />
My goal is to get this accomplished on Thursday, no later. I will use it as a tool to help myself further in my derby career and others who need it as well, regardless of the outcome.<br />
<br />
I am a slow pace getting faster.<br />
I see the goal ahead, I do not let up.<br />
I am a slow pace getting faster.<br />
I feel the wind rush past my face and I want more.<br />
I am a slow pace getting faster.<br />
I hear the cheers from afar and it drives me.<br />
I am a slow pace getting faster.<br />
I turn my thoughts to positive ones and leave no room for the others.<br />
I am a slow pace getting faster.<br />
I get low, continually crossing over, never ceasing.<br />
I am a slow pace getting faster.<br />
I push myself to the limits and see the success in hand.<br />
I am a slow pace getting faster.<br />
I will not give up, this feels too good.<br />
I am a slow pace getting faster.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-57094110716017143302013-02-13T22:10:00.005-08:002013-02-13T22:10:53.407-08:00For Olive...<i>"For Olive, </i><br />
<i>as this was just going to be a facebook status update...(the very last paragraph was being typed into my status as you and i were chatting, you asked about my blog...thanks for the inspiration)"</i><br />
-Kill'her Instinct<br />
<br />
<br />
It's been long, way too long.<br />
<br />
over three months since my last post.<br />
<br />
working through life and searching for a reason to continue.<br />
<br />
pushing through the pain, lack of finances, and serious conviction to somehow get back.<br />
<br />
graciously accepting help from a multitude of people, whom just a few short months ago wouldn't have recognized me on the streets.<br />
<br />
moving away from your whole world is tough....but finding your real world is amazing.<br />
<br />
no, i didn't battle the battle that some, many or most do. but we all have our own story. years of neglecting my body only got me deeper inside my guilt cycle. it still creeps around, but now I can actually get through (most) practices without crying.<br />
<br />
21 laps in November without the pressure of an official attempt.<br />
<br />
23.5 laps in February in a timed, official attempt...plus loads of cheers from peers..they couldn't hear what was going on in my head, though. <br />
<br />
now they are switching to 27, I better hurry up and pass 25...this is a bitch~<br />
<br />
but wait. flashback to september 2012 when this adventure began. hell, I was a completely different athlete then. you want me to walk across this floor on skates in a grapevine pattern? ha! I was the slowest out there. I am still pretty methodical when it comes to that activity, but hell I actually trust myself now. Damn old knee injuries make me a lil nervous still...the added pain doesn't help..i usually ignore it.<br />
<br />
sometimes I throw myself into a 4 point fall during warm-up, just to get ready for when I fall at practice. it helps, try it. I actually love it!<br />
<br />
I jump around and yell "Balls to the wall" a lot more now...that usually gets me in the mood, thanks Kalamity Kate...I think of you often. I think of what would she do right now..she'd giggle and go for it. so I do. I never laughed so much at practice since I started missing you. It may not look like I'm trying to some, but I am. My lack of ignition isn't lack of care, it's methodical learning mixed with some trepidation. <i> I know my inner force-field of '<b><u>don't fuck with me or I will flatten you out'</u> </b>is in there somewhere, she just needs to be released.</i><br />
<br />
Kill'her is in there, you see her in scrimmage...<br />
<br />
I know I've only just begun, but:<br />
<br />
<b>ROLLER DERBY</b>- we do it for the love, because it hurts so good; it's cathartic, healing you from the inside out with every bruise, broken bone, pulled muscle, etc...it shows you your weaknesses, but also reveals your strengths....you think you're alone at first, then ever so slowly you see yourself blossoming into someone you once remembered...someone you thought you lost, the person buried inside you that you once loved and cared for with a passion....or perhaps you're discovering who you really are and stepping out on eight wheels, trusting gravity and your muscles to coopoerate....whatever it is, it's my addiction, my medicine, my love...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-17650073040874073052012-11-05T05:58:00.000-08:002012-11-05T05:58:19.637-08:00You Want Me to do What???<div style="text-align: center;">
Step by Step</div>
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Inch by Inch</div>
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I progress.</div>
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Day by Day </div>
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Hour by Hour</div>
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I endure.</div>
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Week after Week</div>
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Practice after Practice</div>
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I survive.</div>
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Pressing onward,</div>
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moving forward,</div>
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never looking back.</div>
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If I could only lift my left leg up for a few seconds more,</div>
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I'd be happy.</div>
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If I could only get up from a one knee down just a few seconds quicker,</div>
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I'd be jolly.</div>
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If I could only skate a half a lap faster during endurance,</div>
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I'd be excited.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So, I do.</div>
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I stick a one knee raise for a few sec more.</div>
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I do two perfect one knee downs amidst a slue of awful ones.</div>
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I skate 4 3/4 lap in a minute...so close to 5.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So, you want me to skate sideways?</div>
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OK. </div>
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I will get there.</div>
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You want me to connect all the points you've taught me into one fluid movement?</div>
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OK.</div>
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I will get there, too.</div>
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You want me to stop beating myself up for my short-comings?</div>
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OK.</div>
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I'm getting there, too.</div>
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You want me to cheer like a mo-fo, put my heart into this sport and support my teammates?</div>
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Done, no questions asked.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So, the next time I say to myself, 'you want me to do what???'</div>
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I'll respond with the same enthusiasm as always, </div>
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but this time I'll remind myself that</div>
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I'll get there, too.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-80847712228023271882012-10-30T14:51:00.002-07:002012-10-30T15:18:35.578-07:00No Name, No Big Deal<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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It all began on Tuesday, September 11, 2012 at 5:30pm, two hours that would turn out to be some of the most fun, painful and nervous hours I'd had in a long time. Well, in fact, it I think it started way earlier than that, but wasn't solidified until then. <u>The day I showed up for roller derby tryouts</u>. It's one thing to say you want to do something, but to actually show up and give it your all for two hours in front of complete strangers?? Lets not forget about the intimidation factor, I've seen these girls skate- they're damn good! Not to mention, the stereotypes that go along with derby...were they gonna yell at us, tell us we're awful, laugh?? NO...completely opposite, in fact! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCWMu3Ahn3GWC8GYLSAfzUHePN4f8TqBfybZ1PnjxN-LpLETQASDQOjBYQlqWC7jWG4dNtO2lQ_rB4AZj-fdtT0hyphenhyphencmpj1L8RXzPrKsp_O2Itf34R5kN-Q05sduBrTBrCKjk-MFRmopySw/s1600/IMAG3662.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCWMu3Ahn3GWC8GYLSAfzUHePN4f8TqBfybZ1PnjxN-LpLETQASDQOjBYQlqWC7jWG4dNtO2lQ_rB4AZj-fdtT0hyphenhyphencmpj1L8RXzPrKsp_O2Itf34R5kN-Q05sduBrTBrCKjk-MFRmopySw/s320/IMAG3662.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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This is what I wore Day 1 of tryouts!</div>
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The coaches made me and 12 other ladies feel so comfortable and welcomed that we showed up again for two more hours of tryouts on Thursday, September 13, 2012. We practiced skating around the rink, talked about why we wanted to be there, asked lots of questions, and did some drills. From the looks of it, I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the fresh meat team. We were walking on skates across the floor, side to side, left over right, right over left...and I was the last one to finish nearly every time. Great, I thought, I suck, I'm never going to make it, and so on and so fourth. Negative self talk, everyone's best friend, right?? At least it seems like it's mine at times.</div>
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I didn't think I would make it, <u>but I did</u>. I screamed out loud the next afternoon when I received an email from my coach, DeeMoralizer, welcoming us to the fresh meat training program! We were to start our first training session on Tuesday, September 18th, 2012. I was so excited, I couldn't wait until Tuesday, so I asked if I could start on Monday at the optional off-skate plyometrics/insanity workout!! One other freshie, Courtney, was just as eager as me. I am proud to call her one of my closest new friends.</div>
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Six weeks later, I am hooked. I am in love with the sport, my coaches, the league skaters who help out, and my fellow freshies! I finally feel like I am becoming more of the woman I want to be. My husband is my number one cheerleader and I cannot thank him enough for his love and support. Derby is a huge time commitment and is spendy, too...but it is so worth it.</div>
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The progress that my teammates and I have made in the last 6 weeks is incredible. Mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually challenging at times, but derby is by far the best sport I have ever done. So, what if I cannot do a perfect t-stop, knee drop, or a few other things?? <b> </b><u>I will learn</u>. My brain is soaking up all of the strategy and rules like a child learning to read. </div>
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No name, no big deal.</div>
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As I try to stand and not slip onto the dusty, grimy floor of the midtown,</div>
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I ponder what will my derby name will be.</div>
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The women before me all have pizazz and great names to show it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Friends and family ask, what's your derby name?</div>
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I don't have one, I tell them. Too soon for one.</div>
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I want to earn one.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Standing on the floor of the midtown, pushing myself more and more,</div>
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no longer do I think of a name, but how hard I must push myself.</div>
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These drills are not easy, but they are not impossible.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Skating around the track, being mindful of the apex we follow,</div>
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thinking, one more crossover, just one more.</div>
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Heeding the advice and love from our coaches and the league gals.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Yelling out loud in frustration, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
wanting to progress further,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
realizing how far I've actually come</div>
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thankful for those around me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So, what's my name you ask?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Kelly, for now.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The amazing men and women before me have earned theirs and I plan to do the same.</div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-61802047096389649882012-09-22T08:56:00.002-07:002012-09-22T09:10:07.265-07:00Late, but who cares?<div style="text-align: center;">
So I guess I'm just gonna be one of those girls..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
one of those girls who anticipate the wonderful news of becoming pregnant...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but never getting the joy of celebrating the moment.</div>
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<br /></div>
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or at least that's how I feel when I'm in my darkest moment...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that's how I feel today. and yesterday.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I love how every symptom can mask as 'you could be pregnant, take a test to be sure'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I love how every test, whether $15 or $1 (they all work the same) says negative.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I love how I can sit here today, 4 days late, and know it's not gonna happen this time...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I love how I have been two weeks late before and had every symptom and yet NO, not this time.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sorry this may come across as self loathing, boring, even attention-seeking...IT's NOT.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just need you to know that this jolly, friendly, upbeat, positive and outgoing person occasionally has a </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
moment of self pity, doubt and just plain pissed off feelings towards this aspect of my life.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I believe that God will grant me the desires of my heart, there's no doubt about that.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I believe that it will all come in His time.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I believe that the moment it happens will be the most perfect timing that I can't even fathom when it will be at this point.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I believe all these things, yet I still have moments like I am having now.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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I am thankful for the current answered prayers I have in my life. There really are, too many to list.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
One specifically, is that I made the local derby fresh meat team. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I want to be in the best shape of my life, and believe that derby is the way.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I want to be in the best shape of my life, so I can be proud.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I want to be in the best shape of my life so when that miraculous moment does happen, my body will bounce back better than it would today.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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I want to be in the best shape of my life, so I can teach my lil bundle how to do the same.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So don't assume that the woman you see in the grocery store, at the park, at the beach, at the mall or even your neighbor is such a good mom spending time with her children...she could be just like me, the kids could be on loan from her amazing family and friends.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So don't assume that the woman who is a housewife is a mom, she may just be an awesome wife, sister in law and momma to pets, like me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So don't assume that the woman who children are drawn to and that is outside playing with kids all the time, must have children of her own, she may be just like me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So don't assume that the next time you're late, that you're pregnant...you could be just like me and on the waiting list.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Late, but who cares?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I do.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-3409251810696641392012-09-08T13:43:00.000-07:002012-09-08T13:53:10.837-07:00From Scratch, what does from scratch mean Miss Kelly?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://images.media-allrecipes.com/userphotos/140x140/00/77/28/772870.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://images.media-allrecipes.com/userphotos/140x140/00/77/28/772870.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's been just about a year since I quit my last job, assistant manager at TJ Maxx, but everytime I cook I </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
think of one of the associates I managed, we'll call her Ingrid...I've changed her name for two reasons:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
1. I can't remember it right now</div>
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<br /></div>
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2. Just in case she finds me on fb or blogger...lol</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Ingrid and I worked together a lot and I would chat with her about my life outside of TJ Maxx because I couldn't stand working there...anything to separate myself from people thinking the only thing I did was work was well worth it...hah</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So, we would discuss cooking, the beach, etc...one day I told her I was so excited I had made lemon bars for the first time..mmmm I used a box mix the first time, it was decent. Then, the next week I decided to try it from scratch, my favorite way to cook, and they were AMAZING!! Since then I have adjusted the recipe for lime and organge bars, as well...mmm. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Anyhow, I told Ingrid of my new found lemon bar recipe from scratch and she didn't understand what I meant by scratch...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"from scratch, what does from scratch mean, Miss Kelly?"</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So, I explained and she thought I was something incredible...Hah! Here's the recipe for those that are interested (I have some adjustments that I've done, so msg me and I'll give em to ya)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<h3 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #7a7a7a; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">
Ingredients</h3>
<ul style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">1 cup <a class="itxtrst itxtrsta itxthook" href="http://allrecipes.com/recipe/the-best-lemon-bars/detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Title&e11=lemon%20bars&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Home%20Page#" id="itxthook0" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; border-bottom-style: none !important; border-bottom-width: 0px !important; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; bottom: auto; color: darkgreen; display: inline !important; float: none !important; font-family: inherit; left: auto; line-height: normal; margin: 0px !important; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1px; position: static !important; right: auto; text-decoration: none !important; top: auto;"><span class="itxtrst itxtrstspan itxthookspan" id="itxthook0w0" style="background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: transparent; border-bottom-width: 2px; border-style: none none solid; bottom: auto; display: inline; float: none; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; height: auto; left: auto; margin: 0px !important; outline: 0px; padding: 0px !important; position: static; right: auto; top: auto;">butter</span></a>, softened</li>
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">1/2 cup white <a class="itxtrst itxtrsta itxthook" href="http://allrecipes.com/recipe/the-best-lemon-bars/detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Title&e11=lemon%20bars&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Home%20Page#" id="itxthook1" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; border-bottom-style: none !important; border-bottom-width: 0px !important; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; bottom: auto; color: darkgreen; display: inline !important; float: none !important; font-family: inherit; left: auto; line-height: normal; margin: 0px !important; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1px; position: static !important; right: auto; text-decoration: none !important; top: auto;"><span class="itxtrst itxtrstspan itxthookspan" id="itxthook1w0" style="background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: transparent; border-bottom-width: 2px; border-style: none none solid; bottom: auto; display: inline; float: none; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; height: auto; left: auto; margin: 0px !important; outline: 0px; padding: 0px !important; position: static; right: auto; top: auto;">sugar</span></a></li>
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">2 cups all-purpose <a class="itxtrst itxtrsta itxthook" href="http://allrecipes.com/recipe/the-best-lemon-bars/detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Title&e11=lemon%20bars&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Home%20Page#" id="itxthook2" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; border-bottom-style: none !important; border-bottom-width: 0px !important; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; bottom: auto; color: darkgreen; display: inline !important; float: none !important; font-family: inherit; left: auto; line-height: normal; margin: 0px !important; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 1px; position: static !important; right: auto; text-decoration: none !important; top: auto;"><span class="itxtrst itxtrstspan itxthookspan" id="itxthook2w0" style="background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: transparent; border-bottom-width: 2px; border-style: none none solid; bottom: auto; display: inline; float: none; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; height: auto; left: auto; margin: 0px !important; outline: 0px; padding: 0px !important; position: static; right: auto; top: auto;">flour</span></a></li>
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;"> </li>
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">4 eggs</li>
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">1 1/2 cups white sugar</li>
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">1/4 cup all-purpose flour</li>
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">2 lemons, juiced</li>
<li class="plaincharacterwrap ingredient" style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;"><div class="directions" style="border: 0px; line-height: normal; margin: 10px 0px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">
<h3 style="border: 0px; color: #7a7a7a; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">
Directions</h3>
<ol style="border: 0px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; margin: 0px 0px 0px 16px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 16px;">
<li style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span class="plaincharacterwrap break" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).</span></li>
<li style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span class="plaincharacterwrap break" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">In a medium bowl, blend together softened butter, 2 cups flour and 1/2 cup sugar. Press into the bottom of an ungreased 9x13 inch pan.</span></li>
<li style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span class="plaincharacterwrap break" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">Bake for 15 to 20 minutes in the preheated oven, or until firm and golden. In another bowl, whisk together the remaining 1 1/2 cups sugar and 1/4 cup flour. Whisk in the eggs and lemon juice. Pour over the baked crust.</span></li>
<li style="border: 0px; line-height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span class="plaincharacterwrap break" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">Bake for an additional 20 minutes in the preheated oven. The bars will firm up as they cool. For a festive tray, make another pan using limes instead of lemons and adding a drop of green food coloring to give a very pale green. After both pans have cooled, cut into uniform 2 inch squares and arrange in a checker board fashion.</span></li>
</ol>
</div>
<div class="recipe-details-lg" style="border: 0px; float: left; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative;">
<a class="nutritionanchor" href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2658700900374529796" name="nutritionpanel" style="border: 0px; color: #0066cc; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"></a><br />
<div class="nutri-div nutrition" style="border-top-color: rgb(192, 192, 192); border-top-style: dotted; border-width: 1px 0px 0px; clear: both; margin: 10px 0px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 4px 0px; width: 500px;">
<h3 style="border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">
Nutritional Information <a class="nutritional-information" href="http://allrecipes.com/recipe/the-best-lemon-bars/detail.aspx?event8=1&prop24=SR_Title&e11=lemon%20bars&e8=Quick%20Search&event10=1&e7=Home%20Page#" style="border: 0px; color: #cc0000; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="open nutritional information" border="0" class="nutritional-information" id="ctl00_CenterColumnPlaceHolder_recipe_imgNutriIcon" src="http://images.media-allrecipes.com/ar/myar/icons/icon-plus.gif" style="border: 0px; font-size: 10px; height: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; width: 16px;" title="open nutritional information" /></a></h3>
<div class="nutritional-information" style="border: 0px; margin-bottom: 4px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">
<b style="border: 0px; color: black; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Amount Per Serving</b> Calories: <span class="calories" style="border: 0px; font-weight: bold; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">126</span> | Total Fat: <span class="fat" style="border: 0px; font-weight: bold; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">5.8g</span> | Cholesterol: <span class="cholesterol" style="border: 0px; font-weight: bold; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">37mg</span></div>
</div>
</div>
</li>
</ul>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
SOOO I am inspired, yet again!! I am going to make a list of other things that I have made by scratch and things I plan to make by scratch:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Things I have made from scratch:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
ground meat..i don't trust the stores anymore!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Breadcrumbs</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Meatballs</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
noodles</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Pasta sauce</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
marinara sauce</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Lemon Bars</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Gnocchi</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
jam</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
ice cream</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
bread</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
pizza dough</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and so much more....</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Things I PLAN to make by scratch real soon:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
butter</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
hummus<br />
sausage</div>
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more pasta (need to perfect the process)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
pickles</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>my mind is blank...the possibilities are endless..</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Summer is over.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>the warmth is gone.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>long days are numbered</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>fall is near.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>leaves are changing</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>winds are cooling</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>snow is coming.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>the seasons are changing....</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-18197335783296291862012-08-29T18:58:00.001-07:002012-08-29T18:58:20.187-07:00Not quite like Julia did...but....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://trialx.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/recipes/Chocolate_Souffle-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://trialx.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/recipes/Chocolate_Souffle-1.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I had an A-Ha! moment a few minutes ago while watching my most favorite new show...MasterChef!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
oh, how I would dream of being on that show and winning...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
one day, one day...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but alas, I have much to learn! I am going to create a list of yummy fancy dishes that I want to make.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
WHY??</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because I can and I want to!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I may not be anything like Julia Child, but I'm inspired...so here goes my list, which, by the way is in NO particular order: (I will add more later, but here are a few)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Souffle-any kind...mmm the fluffy yummy word makes me want one now!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
chicken pot pie</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
pie from scratch, crust and all</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
baked Alaska</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
lemon meringue pie</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
paella</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
civeche</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
molten lava cake</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
bananas foster</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
tamales</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
clam chowder</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Chinese dumplings</div>
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Oh and the excitement of buying new cookware just to make a few of these scrumptious dishes!!! I think I was meant to be a housewife...I really enjoy this way to much~</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-11587606958471841952012-08-26T11:13:00.000-07:002012-08-26T11:13:17.455-07:00we walk through life wondering what Gods plan is for us...will we ever know?<br />
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trying to do right by His plan, wondering if we are close to the joy that is promised...<br />
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when hurt sets in, sometimes it's hard to look to the good, the blessings.<br />
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but His promises are so much better than the emotions that run through my brain. my body. my soul.<br />
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His promises are what keep me going.<br />
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perhaps i will never bear my own children, but I will have them<br />
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IN GODs TIME,<br />
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In Gods Time.....Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-28761682569179337472012-08-06T19:48:00.002-07:002012-08-06T19:48:30.145-07:00Days are longI keep coming to the computer, logging into my blog, starting a post and deleting it..so although I'm not quite ready to write about what I keep deleting...I feel the need to at least write SOMETHING....<br />
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It's been approximately two years since I quit my job of 13 years and embarked on a new life adventure, and what an adventure it has been! No longer am I living in southern California where I lived for approximately 30 years. No longer am I stressed out beyond my imagination at a new job that just proved to me how much I am DONE with retail management. No longer am I living in a house that is too small and had no storage....no longer am I surrounded by a bubble of familiarity....no longer do I know where all the cool spots are to hang out in town...no longer am I surrounded by friends and family...NO LONGER!!!!<br />
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Now I am surrounded by nature, REAL honest to goodness NATURE>>I can literally walk a half mile (or less) in any direction and be lost in a forest, or on the side of a river, trying to figure out where to jump in at... We are surrounded by 1,000 lakes within a 100-mile radius...with real seasons (eh, snow and ice)....I am surrounded by beauty, yet I am lost. I don't know what to do next in life and wish I just knew exactly what to do next. We have a few family members around and a few friends...it's weird living in a place you feel so at peace with in some respects, but in others you are totally and completely lost and annoyed....<br />
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Apartment living is not for me...but it's where we are right now. We are meeting awesome people, learning the true colors of some, and steering clear of others. An opportunity for us to move to another unit has opened up and we are going to take it. So we will not be in an upstairs unit, but a lower one that has a place for me to create a lil garden next spring! Not looking forward to moving all of our stuff, but feel as though this is a good choice for us.<br />
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All three of us, Daniel, Steve and I are going back to school this fall/or winter!! We are all kinda weary but yet excited at the same time. Don't ask me what I'm going to do...that changes from week to week...I range from culinary arts to veterinary technician...First things first, I gotta meet with a counselor on Friday and see what units from my bachelor transfer over..that could be the deciding factor for me.<br />
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Ok I'm rambling now..so lets just get to the end....I think I'm gonna add a poem...lets see what happens~<br />
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Days are long<br />
feel like a kid on summer break again...<br />
wondering where the years have gone,<br />
wondering what the future holds.<br />
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Making the most of where we are at,<br />
praying for more guidance<br />
praying for answers<br />
giving thanks for what we do have<br />
<br />
days are long<br />
feel like jumping in the river to cool off...<br />
wanting to go to the coast<br />
wanting to visit some friends.<br />
<br />
making the most out of what we have,<br />
finding the joy in small things<br />
growing closer to family<br />
growing closer to God<br />
<br />
Days are long....<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-87214193686560301132012-06-06T18:23:00.000-07:002012-06-06T18:23:27.894-07:0010 Year Anniversary...to celebrate, or not to celebrate??When most people have a 10 year anniversary, you tend to throw a big bash, or go somewhere fancy, right?? Well, what if you aren't sure of what to do? What if the anniversary you are 'celebrating' isn't for a marriage, graduation, retirement, etc..but rather for a pivotal moment in your life? The diagnosis of a life-changing disorder? <br />
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I am conflicted. Do I celebrate the fact that endometriosis has completely transformed my life, turned my emotions upside-down, ended relationships, tested my faith, caused debilitating pain and suffering?? NO. I don't celebrate those facts.<br />
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I pause. Pull myself together, and focus on the positive. The fact that I have an amazing God who has protected me and provided for me for my whole life; regardless how I have tried to push Him away. The fact that He has provided me with an amazing husband who researched endometriosis while we were dating so he could figure out ways to help me with pain. The fact that my family and friends (the ones that matter) have stuck around and supported me....I still have hope and faith that one day I will bear my own child...but on days like today no matter how positive I am, the pain can overshadow my hope and faith and bring me to tears.<br />
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Why at 23 years old as a single woman did I have to find out that I may never have children???<br />
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Did I miss my 'window'? Should I have just 'gotten pregnant' like the girls on the MTV shows???<br />
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Is it too late at 33 years old?<br />
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Is the endo getting worse?<br />
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Will I be diagnosed with cancer from the drugs they put me on?<br />
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GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!<br />
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The pain sure makes it seem so. I believe in a loving and providing God who will grant us the desires of our hearts...but alas sometimes we get a resounding 'not now' when we are asking for things. When will NOW be? In His time, is the resounding answer I receive, in His time...<br />
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Uninsured</div>
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Unknown future</div>
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Unanswered questions</div>
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Unreliable drugs</div>
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Unable to conceive</div>
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Undying love</div>
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Unknown power</div>
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Unbelievable God</div>
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Understanding Father</div>
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Unending faith</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658700900374529796.post-26028171550694172422012-06-06T12:21:00.001-07:002012-06-06T12:29:29.221-07:00A little about me<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I laugh</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I live</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I love</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I smile</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I sin</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I surrender</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I dream</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I desire</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I devour</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I pain</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I pray</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I pretend</span></div>
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<span style="color: #45818e;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I cook </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I clean</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">I create</span><br />
<span style="color: #45818e;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #45818e;">But most importantly I am me. The woman God created me to be, imperfectly beautiful in my own way, constantly reminding myself that I am loved no matter what and that I am all the things He needs me to be and more...</span></div>
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<br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364062108173030013noreply@blogger.com0