Saturday, April 20, 2013


I have had more ultrasounds than most pregnant women will or have ever had.

yet no baby.

no miscarriages, that I know of.

yet I get the symptoms.

I've been late several weeks before and yet not a positive outcome.

yet I am still hopeful.

it may not seem as though I am and no one knows what the future will hold, but I am hopeful.

I tell my story because it heals me and by opening up myself to others' I hope to someday help someone.

I love it when people tell me I am good with kids, it makes me smile.  A small part of me is still really happy that I haven't had kids yet, maybe the selfish part, I dunno.

I write about my struggles because it heals me...sometimes you'll get raw, gut-wrenching reality from me, don't mistake that for a cry for attention.  It's simply the only way to express myself!

I really have no direction for this post, but perhaps as I sit here, working through the cramps of endometriosis, I have a need to vent.  To get some stuff off my chest.

I don't judge my friends, my foes or my family for the decisions they have made regarding children, but sometimes in the gut-wrenching pain-filled face of infertility I do get frustrated, down right pissed.  However, I eventually become level-headed again and realize that we are all living different realities.  What I want isn't necessarily what you want...and HELL, what we all want may not be exactly what we thought we were getting ourselves into in the first place.  But whatever your choices are, please don't baby me. Don't mock me. Don't think I'm fragile and can't handle your reality.  Don't let your guilt over your decisions make you treat me differently!  You will never know the pain of infertility until it is staring you in the face.  You, who take things for granted, please remember that your plan may not work out the way you want it to!  Please understand that your actions have reactions and that what you are planning for may  not happen because of the choices you are making or have made.  

I'm not saying you need to run yourself ragged with worry that your plan to conceive may not work out, but please be realistic!  Get yourself checked out, make wise decisions for yourself and your future.  

Please note, this blog post is not geared at any specific event that happened recently.  In fact, it has been festering inside for awhile and I just feel like blabbing about it tonight.

I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior! I know He has planned my life from birth, but sometimes I wonder have I made a wrong turn somewhere?  What lesson can I learn from this struggle? Patience? I thought I got that one down for a bit, lol.  Faithfulness, perhaps.

I believe He will provide me with my little miracle, but I am human and doubt has a tricky way of getting in when you're down.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Plans Change

Plans change....which is why this quote is so popular, right?
I have no clue where I am supposed to be in life, other than right where I am right now.

I left southern California in October 2011 and never knew my true self until now.

I am at peace here, aside from the job search and other thorns in my side.

I love living in Bend...away from smog, traffic, tons of people and completely surrounded by nature, beauty and clean air.  I have an amazing circle of support that is growing and thriving.

Don't get me wrong, SoCal is beautiful in it's own right. Beaches, sunshine, lots of things to do and of course all the friends I grew up with and our familes that we love.

A shift of perspective.

I have never had to work so hard to find a job until now.  It's discouraging.  I don't want to go back into retail, it sucks your soul away and spits it back at you in a twisted, convoluted form that you don't even recognize anymore.

I am smart, energetic, fun and dedicated.

A bachelors degree in marine biology, don't you know it's not a cakewalk? I went through years of schooling and dedication for what?!

I have successfully managed multi-million dollar businesses, too!

But I am lost, not sure what door I'm supposed to be looking at. Not sure if that door is here, in Bend, where I feel more like the true me than ever before in my life.

Passionate about photography, pets, derby, and life.

Love learning and teaching others.

Should I go to school for my masters?

what would it be in?

Plans change.

Plans end.