Monday, November 5, 2012

You Want Me to do What???

Step by Step
Inch by Inch
I progress.

Day by Day 
Hour by Hour
I endure.

Week after Week
Practice after Practice
I survive.

Pressing onward,
moving forward,
never looking back.

If I could only lift my left leg up for a few seconds more,
I'd be happy.
If I could only get up from a one knee down just a few seconds quicker,
I'd be jolly.
If I could only skate a half a lap faster during endurance,
I'd be excited.

So, I do.
I stick a one knee raise for a few sec more.
I do two perfect one knee downs amidst a slue of awful ones.
I skate 4 3/4 lap in a close to 5.

So, you want me to skate sideways?
I will get there.
You want me to connect all the points you've taught me into one fluid movement?
I will get there, too.
You want me to stop beating myself up for my short-comings?
I'm getting there, too.
You want me to cheer like a mo-fo, put my heart into this sport and support my teammates?
Done, no questions asked.

So, the next time I say to myself, 'you want me to do what???'
I'll respond with the same enthusiasm as always, 
but this time I'll remind myself that
I'll get there, too.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

No Name, No Big Deal

It all began on Tuesday, September 11, 2012 at 5:30pm, two hours that would turn out to be some of the most fun, painful and nervous hours I'd had in a long time.  Well, in fact, it I think it started way earlier than that, but wasn't solidified until then.  The day I showed up for roller derby tryouts.  It's one thing to say you want to do something, but to actually show up and give it your all for two hours in front of complete strangers?? Lets not forget about the intimidation factor, I've seen these girls skate- they're damn good!  Not to mention, the stereotypes that go along with derby...were they gonna yell at us, tell us we're awful, laugh?? NO...completely opposite, in fact!  
This is what I wore Day 1 of tryouts!

The coaches made me and 12 other ladies feel so comfortable and welcomed that we showed up again for two more hours of tryouts on Thursday, September 13, 2012.  We practiced skating around the rink, talked about why we wanted to be there, asked lots of questions, and did some drills.  From the looks of it, I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the fresh meat team.  We were walking on skates across the floor, side to side, left over right, right over left...and I was the last one to finish nearly every time.  Great, I thought, I suck, I'm never going to make it, and so on and so fourth.  Negative self talk, everyone's best friend, right??  At least it seems like it's mine at times.

I didn't think I would make it, but I did.  I screamed out loud the next afternoon when I received an email from my coach, DeeMoralizer, welcoming us to the fresh meat training program!  We were to start our first training session on Tuesday, September 18th, 2012.  I was so excited, I couldn't wait until Tuesday, so I asked if I could start on Monday at the optional off-skate plyometrics/insanity workout!! One other freshie, Courtney, was just as eager as me.  I am proud to call her one of my closest new friends.

Six weeks later, I am hooked.  I am in love with the sport, my coaches, the league skaters who help out, and my fellow freshies!  I finally feel like I am becoming more of the woman I want to be.  My husband is my number one cheerleader and I cannot thank him enough for his love and support.  Derby is a huge time commitment and is spendy, too...but it is so worth it.

The progress that my teammates and I have made in the last 6 weeks is incredible.  Mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually challenging at times, but derby is by far the best sport I have ever done.  So, what if I cannot do a perfect t-stop, knee drop, or a few other things??  I will learn.  My brain is soaking up all of the strategy and rules like a child learning to read.  

No name, no big deal.

As I try to stand and not slip onto the dusty, grimy floor of the midtown,
I ponder what will my derby name will be.
The women before me all have pizazz and great names to show it.

Friends and family ask, what's your derby name?
I don't have one, I tell them. Too soon for one.
I want to earn one.

Standing on the floor of the midtown, pushing myself more and more,
no longer do I think of a name, but how hard I must push myself.
These drills are not easy, but they are not impossible.

Skating around the track, being mindful of the apex we follow,
thinking, one more crossover, just one more.
Heeding the advice and love from our coaches and the league gals.

Yelling out loud in frustration, 
wanting to progress further,
realizing how far I've actually come
thankful for those around me.

So, what's my name you ask?

Kelly, for now.

The amazing men and women before me have earned theirs and I plan to do the same.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Late, but who cares?

So I guess I'm just gonna be one of those girls..

one of those girls who anticipate the wonderful news of becoming pregnant...

but never getting the joy of celebrating the moment.

or at least that's how I feel when I'm in my darkest moment...

that's how I feel today. and yesterday.

I love how every symptom can mask as 'you could be pregnant, take a test to be sure'

I love how every test, whether $15 or $1 (they all work the same) says negative.

I love how I can sit here today, 4 days late, and know it's not gonna happen this time...

I love how I have been two weeks late before and had every symptom and yet NO, not this time.

Sorry this may come across as self loathing, boring, even attention-seeking...IT's NOT.

I just need you to know that this jolly, friendly, upbeat, positive and outgoing person occasionally has a 
moment of self pity, doubt and just plain pissed off feelings towards this aspect of my life.

I believe that God will grant me the desires of my heart, there's no doubt about that.

I believe that it will all come in His time.

I believe that the moment it happens will be the most perfect timing that I can't even fathom when it will be at this point.

I believe all these things, yet I still have moments like I am having now.

I am thankful for the current answered prayers I have in my life.  There really are, too many to list.

One specifically, is that I made the local derby fresh meat team.  

I want to be in the best shape of my life, and believe that derby is the way.

I want to be in the best shape of my  life, so I can be proud.

I want to be in the best shape of my life so when that miraculous moment does happen, my body will bounce back better than it would today.

I want to be in the best shape of my life, so I can teach my lil bundle how to do the same.

So don't assume that the woman you see in the grocery store, at the park, at the beach, at the mall or even your neighbor is such a good mom spending time with her children...she could be just like me, the kids could be on loan from her amazing family and friends.

So don't assume that the woman who is a housewife is a mom, she may just be an awesome wife, sister in law and momma to pets, like me.

So don't assume that the woman who children are drawn to and that is outside playing with kids all the time, must have children of her own, she may be just like me.

So don't assume that the next time you're late, that you're could be just like me and on the waiting list.

Late, but who cares?
I do.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

From Scratch, what does from scratch mean Miss Kelly?

It's been just about a year since I quit my last job, assistant manager at TJ Maxx, but everytime I cook I 
think of one of the associates I managed, we'll call her Ingrid...I've changed her name for two reasons:

1. I can't remember it right now

2. Just in case she finds me on fb or

Ingrid and I worked together a lot and I would chat with her about my life outside of TJ Maxx because I couldn't stand working there...anything to separate myself from people thinking the only thing I did was work was well worth it...hah

So, we would discuss cooking, the beach, day I told her I was so excited I had made lemon bars for the first time..mmmm  I used a box mix the first time, it was decent.  Then, the next week I decided to try it from scratch, my favorite way to cook, and they were AMAZING!! Since then I have adjusted the recipe for lime and organge bars, as well...mmm. 
Anyhow, I told Ingrid of my new found lemon bar recipe from scratch and she didn't understand what I meant by scratch...

"from scratch, what does from scratch mean, Miss Kelly?"

So, I explained and she thought I was something incredible...Hah! Here's the recipe for those that are interested (I have some adjustments that I've done, so msg me and I'll give em to ya)


  • 1 cup butter, softened
  • 1/2 cup white sugar
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 4 eggs
  • 1 1/2 cups white sugar
  • 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
  • 2 lemons, juiced
  • Directions

    1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
    2. In a medium bowl, blend together softened butter, 2 cups flour and 1/2 cup sugar. Press into the bottom of an ungreased 9x13 inch pan.
    3. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes in the preheated oven, or until firm and golden. In another bowl, whisk together the remaining 1 1/2 cups sugar and 1/4 cup flour. Whisk in the eggs and lemon juice. Pour over the baked crust.
    4. Bake for an additional 20 minutes in the preheated oven. The bars will firm up as they cool. For a festive tray, make another pan using limes instead of lemons and adding a drop of green food coloring to give a very pale green. After both pans have cooled, cut into uniform 2 inch squares and arrange in a checker board fashion.

    Nutritional Information open nutritional information

    Amount Per Serving  Calories: 126 | Total Fat: 5.8g | Cholesterol: 37mg

SOOO I am inspired, yet again!! I am going to make a list of other things that I have made by scratch and things I plan to make by scratch:

Things I have made from scratch:

ground meat..i don't trust the stores anymore!
Pasta sauce
marinara sauce
Lemon Bars
ice cream
pizza dough

and so much more....

Things I PLAN to make by scratch real soon:

more pasta (need to perfect the process)

my mind is blank...the possibilities are endless..

Summer is over.
the warmth is gone.
long days are numbered
fall is near.
leaves are changing
winds are cooling
snow is coming.
the seasons are changing....

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Not quite like Julia did...but....

I had an A-Ha! moment a few minutes ago while watching my most favorite new show...MasterChef!

oh, how I would dream of being on that show and winning...

one day, one day...

but alas, I have much to learn!  I am going to create a list of yummy fancy dishes that I want to make.


because I can and I want to!

I may not be anything like Julia Child, but I'm here goes my list, which, by the way is in NO particular order: (I will add more later, but here are a few)

Souffle-any kind...mmm the fluffy yummy word makes me want one now!

chicken pot pie

pie from scratch, crust and all

baked Alaska

lemon meringue pie



molten lava cake

bananas foster


clam chowder

Chinese dumplings

Oh and the excitement of buying new cookware just to make a few of these scrumptious dishes!!! I think I was meant to be a housewife...I really enjoy this way to much~

Sunday, August 26, 2012

we walk through life wondering what Gods plan is for us...will we ever know?

trying to do right by His plan, wondering if we are close to the joy that is promised...

when hurt sets in, sometimes it's hard to look to the good, the blessings.

but His promises are so much better than the emotions that run through my brain. my body. my soul.

His promises are what keep me going.

perhaps i will never bear my own children, but I will have them


In Gods Time.....

Monday, August 6, 2012

Days are long

I keep coming to the computer, logging into my blog, starting a post and deleting although I'm not quite ready to write about what I keep deleting...I feel the need to at least write SOMETHING....

It's been approximately two years since I quit my job of 13 years and embarked on a new life adventure, and what an adventure it has been!  No longer am I living in southern California where I lived for approximately 30 years.  No longer am I stressed out beyond my imagination at a new job that just proved to me how much I am DONE with retail management.  No longer am I living in a house that is too small and had no longer am I surrounded by a bubble of longer do I know where all the cool spots are to hang out in longer am I surrounded by friends and family...NO LONGER!!!!

Now I am surrounded  by nature, REAL honest to goodness NATURE>>I can literally walk a half mile (or less) in any direction and be lost in a forest, or on the side of a river, trying to figure out where to jump in at... We are surrounded by 1,000 lakes within a 100-mile radius...with real seasons (eh, snow and ice)....I am surrounded by beauty, yet I am lost.  I don't know what to do next in life and wish I just knew exactly what to do next.  We have a few family members around and a few's weird living in a place you feel so at peace with in some respects, but in others you are totally and completely lost and annoyed....

Apartment living is not for me...but it's where we are right now.  We are meeting awesome people, learning the true colors of some, and steering clear of others.  An opportunity for us to move to another unit has opened up and we are going to take it.  So we will not be in an upstairs unit, but a lower one that has a place for me to create a lil garden next spring!  Not looking forward to moving all of our stuff, but feel as though this is a good choice for us.

All three of us, Daniel, Steve and I are going back to school this fall/or winter!! We are all kinda weary but yet excited at the same time.  Don't ask me what I'm going to do...that changes from week to week...I range from culinary arts to veterinary technician...First things first, I gotta meet with a counselor on Friday and see what units from my bachelor transfer over..that could be the deciding factor for me.

Ok I'm rambling lets just get to the end....I think I'm gonna add a poem...lets see what happens~

Days are long
feel like a kid on summer break again...
wondering where the years have gone,
wondering what the future holds.

Making the most of where we are at,
praying for more guidance
praying for answers
giving thanks for what we do have

days are long
feel like jumping in the river to cool off...
wanting to go to the coast
wanting to visit some friends.

making the most out of what we have,
finding the joy in small things
growing closer to family
growing closer to God

Days are long....

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

10 Year celebrate, or not to celebrate??

When most people have a 10 year anniversary, you tend to throw a big bash, or go somewhere fancy, right?? Well, what if you aren't sure of what to do? What if the anniversary you are 'celebrating' isn't for a marriage, graduation, retirement, etc..but rather for a pivotal moment in your life? The diagnosis of a life-changing disorder?

I am conflicted. Do I celebrate the fact that endometriosis has completely transformed my life, turned my emotions upside-down, ended relationships, tested my faith, caused debilitating pain and suffering?? NO. I don't celebrate those facts.

I pause. Pull myself together, and focus on the positive.  The fact that I have an amazing God who has protected me and provided for me for my whole life; regardless how I have tried to push Him away.  The fact that He has provided me with an amazing husband who researched endometriosis while we were dating so he could figure out ways to help me with pain.  The fact that my family and friends (the ones that matter) have stuck around and supported me....I still have hope and faith that one day I will bear my own child...but on days like today no matter how positive I am, the pain can overshadow my hope and faith and bring me to tears.

Why at 23 years old as a single woman did I have to find out that I may never have children???

Did I miss my 'window'? Should I have just 'gotten pregnant' like the girls on the MTV shows???

Is it too late at 33 years old?

Is the endo getting worse?

Will I be diagnosed with cancer from the drugs they put me on?


The pain sure makes it seem so.  I believe in a loving and providing God who will grant us the desires of our hearts...but alas sometimes we get a resounding 'not now' when we are asking for things.   When will NOW be? In His time, is the resounding answer I receive, in His time...

Unknown future
Unanswered questions
Unreliable drugs
Unable to conceive

Undying love
Unknown power
Unbelievable God
Understanding Father
Unending faith

A little about me

I laugh
I live
I love

I smile
I sin
I surrender

I dream
I desire
I devour

I pain
I pray
I pretend

I cook 
I clean
I create

But most importantly I am me. The woman God created me to be, imperfectly beautiful in my own way, constantly reminding myself that I am loved no matter what and that I am all the things He needs me to be and more...