Wednesday, June 6, 2012

10 Year Anniversary...to celebrate, or not to celebrate??

When most people have a 10 year anniversary, you tend to throw a big bash, or go somewhere fancy, right?? Well, what if you aren't sure of what to do? What if the anniversary you are 'celebrating' isn't for a marriage, graduation, retirement, etc..but rather for a pivotal moment in your life? The diagnosis of a life-changing disorder?

I am conflicted. Do I celebrate the fact that endometriosis has completely transformed my life, turned my emotions upside-down, ended relationships, tested my faith, caused debilitating pain and suffering?? NO. I don't celebrate those facts.

I pause. Pull myself together, and focus on the positive.  The fact that I have an amazing God who has protected me and provided for me for my whole life; regardless how I have tried to push Him away.  The fact that He has provided me with an amazing husband who researched endometriosis while we were dating so he could figure out ways to help me with pain.  The fact that my family and friends (the ones that matter) have stuck around and supported me....I still have hope and faith that one day I will bear my own child...but on days like today no matter how positive I am, the pain can overshadow my hope and faith and bring me to tears.

Why at 23 years old as a single woman did I have to find out that I may never have children???

Did I miss my 'window'? Should I have just 'gotten pregnant' like the girls on the MTV shows???

Is it too late at 33 years old?

Is the endo getting worse?

Will I be diagnosed with cancer from the drugs they put me on?

GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!

The pain sure makes it seem so.  I believe in a loving and providing God who will grant us the desires of our hearts...but alas sometimes we get a resounding 'not now' when we are asking for things.   When will NOW be? In His time, is the resounding answer I receive, in His time...

Uninsured
Unknown future
Unanswered questions
Unreliable drugs
Unable to conceive

Undying love
Unknown power
Unbelievable God
Understanding Father
Unending faith