Tuesday, March 26, 2013

wham, boom, pop!

Some days start off like today, easy, fun and full of entertainment...but end on a note in the complete and utter polar opposite...

woke up. made coffee. went back to sleep. woke up, had coffee.  ate a decent breakfast. meandered around the house and then went to work to nanny for two of the most unique, intelligent and fun kids I know.

filled the day with random surprises such as taking them to bouncing off the walls, mc donalds, seeing mom at work, buying them a baby chicken, affectionately named Chipper, played soccer twice, and managed to squeeze in some reading and problem solving from my favorite childhood book, The Eleventh Hour.

Seven hours of fun and activity.

Got home, chatted with neighbors and friends...went to a friends house for a delicious dinner and dessert paired with a lovely rose moscato and a NOVA episode about planet earth seen from space.

Then, wham, boom, pop! my endometriosis pain started up with a vengeance.  Started off as the usual subtle dull ache and within 30 minutes I was in full oh-my-gosh-this-fucking-hurts!  Today's spell made me almost vomit, but I have managed to keep it all in for now.

I know we all have our own deep, dark spot...well this is mine. It's times like these that make me question whether I will ever bear children of my own.  I am obviously good with them and love them, I've been told all my life that I'll be a great mom one day, but do we really know this? We don't know when that day will come, if ever. And yes, I know there are thousands of children aching for a loving and caring home, but I am not able to give up my dream just yet. The dream of carrying a human being inside myself, nor am I financially ready for this dream or even adoption for that matter.  Yes, I know there are fertility treatments but without insurance, and funding, that is out of the question. but hell, will anyone ever be 100% ready for this endeavor, whether it be by choice or not?  Are we ever 100% ready for the path that lay before us?

The pain is so crippling that I get to a point where I say fuck it, enough is enough, just rip it all out, I don't want to deal with the mental, physical and emotional pain anymore. it is draining. it is useless.  i had to stop buying pregnancy tests. why bother when it's the same result every month?  wishful thinking at it's best over here.

Pain is tiring, tricky and conniving. Ten years of knowing the source of my body's torment doesn't help find the solution. Yes, I probably over-exerted myself today and sabotaged myself by eating shit for lunch (first time having fast food in over two months) and not enough fluids, but damn....I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  Am I being punished for the things I've done? I know I am not, but sometimes I feel I am.  Logic and reason go out the window when you are doubled over in pain, tears, frustration and confusion.

So, I am at a loss. I don't know what to do next. Numb. yeah, Numb. that's the feeling.  Approaching my 34th birthday next week and I've never been so low at this time of year before. Usually I have it planned by now or I'm showing signs of utter excitement...so forgive me if I come across as wounded or harsh or selfish...there's a lot going on behind that fun, happy, energetic face you're used to seeing. Believe me, the happiness I typically exude is real, genuine and true.  It's just that this deep, dark sad part is also real, genuine and true and once in awhile I have to acknowledge it and express it so as not to go crazy!

Fun day.
Lauging, playing, jumping.
Surprising the kiddos with fun things to do, it's what I do best.
Going home to a house full of people and puppies, but no kids.
Pain sets in, making me wonder,
will I ever get the chance to be someones mother?

Writing it out helps,
crying it soothes,
soaking in a tub heals,
while my mind trickles back to whats real.

I am an auntie to many wonderful children.
Always have been, always will be.
Loving my friends for letting me enjoy their company.
Thankful for the things I do have and trying to stop dwelling on those that I do not.