Wednesday, February 13, 2013

For Olive...

"For Olive, 
as this was just going to be a facebook status update...(the very last paragraph was being typed into my status as you and i were chatting, you asked about my blog...thanks for the inspiration)"
-Kill'her Instinct

It's been long, way too long.

over three months since my last post.

working through life and searching for a reason to continue.

pushing through the pain, lack of finances, and serious conviction to somehow get back.

graciously accepting help from a multitude of people, whom just a few short months ago wouldn't have recognized me on the streets.

moving away from your whole world is tough....but finding your real world is amazing.

no, i didn't battle the battle that some, many or most do. but we all have our own story.  years of neglecting my body only got me deeper inside my guilt cycle.  it still creeps around, but now I can actually get through (most) practices without crying.

21 laps in November without the pressure of an official attempt.

23.5 laps in February in a timed, official loads of cheers from peers..they couldn't hear what was going on in my head, though.

now they are switching to 27, I better hurry up and pass 25...this is a bitch~

but wait.  flashback to september 2012 when this adventure began. hell, I was a completely different athlete then. you want me to walk across this floor on skates in a grapevine pattern? ha!  I was the slowest out there. I am still pretty methodical when it comes to that activity, but hell I actually trust myself now.  Damn old knee injuries make me a lil nervous still...the added pain doesn't help..i usually ignore it.

sometimes I throw myself into a 4 point fall during warm-up, just to get ready for when I fall at practice. it helps, try it. I actually love it!

I jump around and yell "Balls to the wall" a lot more now...that usually gets me in the mood, thanks Kalamity Kate...I think of you often.  I think of what would she do right now..she'd giggle and go for it.  so I do.  I never laughed so much at practice since I started missing you.  It may not look like I'm trying to some, but I am.  My lack of ignition isn't lack of care, it's methodical learning mixed with some trepidation.  I know my inner force-field of 'don't fuck with me or I will flatten you out'  is in there somewhere, she just needs to be released.

Kill'her is in there, you see her in scrimmage...

I know I've only just begun, but:

ROLLER DERBY- we do it for the love, because it hurts so good; it's cathartic, healing you from the inside out with every bruise, broken bone, pulled muscle, shows you your weaknesses, but also reveals your think you're alone at first, then ever so slowly you see yourself blossoming into someone you once remembered...someone you thought you lost, the person buried inside you that you once loved and cared for with a passion....or perhaps you're discovering who you really are and stepping out on eight wheels, trusting gravity and your muscles to coopoerate....whatever it is, it's my addiction, my medicine, my love...